The Chronicles of a 30-something year old lesbian (Happy National Coming out Day)
Entry: Untitled
It’s been a little longer since my last entry. Life is hard when your girlfriend lives in South Africa. Really hard. I used to poke fun at military wives a few years back. The whole term “dependa” was either new or re-emerging and I really did wonder what they had to complain about. I said that they signed up for that kind of life or that they were using their partner’s service to be acknowledged as hard working themselves. Never could I have imagined the real definition of their “hard work”. The hard work is letting the love of your life walk away knowing you probably won’t see them for at least half a year. It’s saying good bye knowing it could be the last time you see them. My girlfriend isn’t in the military, but her life does seem to be at risk much of the time.
There are some differences. Being long distance rather than in the military means that I wait 6, 8, 10 months to see her for 3 weeks before I have to say good bye again. It means we don’t have a house and travel expenses paid for by anyone and it means that in reality, we have no idea when we will get to be together for good. It would be painful no matter what, but the added aspect of South Africa’s crime rate and the things that take place there make it almost unbearable sometimes. I’m always on edge. I’m always afraid to hang up the phone. I take note of her face every moment on video chat, because I never want to regret a single second.
I saw a Facebook post the other day in one of my Visa groups and someone asked a question based on how many couples were still together since beginning and waiting through the Visa process. Most were the typical “true love can survive anything” comments. Then a man commented and said that he began the Visa process 2 years ago. He and his fiancé were approved in August for their Visa so they’d be able to be together in one of their home countries (Any couple that is divided by being citizens of two different countries knows how hard it is to get this and how much your heart longs to get that acceptance letter.) The majority of couples would describe this as one of the best day of their lives. Unfortunately, this man then continued that his fiancé died of Covid in September. Just a day or two before this, my girlfriend ran outside because she heard gunshots and her mom was out hanging clothes on the line. She was out there maybe 5 minutes, I stayed on the phone inside. I don’t know if I held my breath the whole time or just most of it. The minute I saw her come back on the phone I broke down. This was one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced. As a writer, I’m not even sure how to put into words what it’s like to love someone so much. More than you thought you could ever love anyone (aside from your kids but you have to love them, and you don’t have to work towards it or for it, the love is just naturally there.) Imagine finding someone that has made you feel everything you’re supposed to feel when you’re with the right person, and then living in constant fear that they’re dead. Most of the time, I can put those thoughts way in the back of my mind and pretend they’re not there. This time, I was faced on with the reality. Smacked right in the face with it and it’s been really hard to figure out how to live with the pain. Aside from all the other things that usually stress a person out, this alone makes for a pretty difficult week.
I don’t know what tone I had initially intended with my writing and this blog. I think I had planned to make it funny. Plans change. My writing is adapting and I just want it to be honest. So I guess sometimes it’s going to be funny, sometimes it’s going to be sad, sometimes it’s going to be confusing, but it’s always going to be a reflection of the present truth in my life or the past moments of my life.
Anyway, I’ll go further into my girlfriend’s story later on and you’ll get to find out how much and why I love her and all of that cheesy gay stuff, but I’ve been struggling to find the inspiration to write through all of this, and it turns out, I just wasn’t inspired to write the things I was was trying to write about. My inspiration was hiding behind the fear, sadness and pain that I’m feeling in the current moment. I think all writing needs to be honest, even if it’s fiction. It has to come from a place of honest emotions.
Anyway, that’s all this time.
Happy belated coming out day to everyone who’s ever come out. I hope it’s been the best decision you’ve ever made and that you’re on a journey to finding true happiness. I’m proud of you for choosing to be true to yourself, for making yourself a priority and for loving without fear.
